She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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