Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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