I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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