I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he wants to bone in the snuggie
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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