Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I die, sorry about rent.
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