Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
