i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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