There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
