I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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