I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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