is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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