new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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