Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
