Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
