how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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