I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
