I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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