it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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