there's paper in my vomit.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
