A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She bit a glass in half.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
