just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
