Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
