we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
