Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
