your room smells of hookers.
And success
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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