just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize