i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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