Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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