I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
