I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Come share oat with me in your robe
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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