So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
