So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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