not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize