i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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