My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
