I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Randomize
