I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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