I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
