totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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