My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
