apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
