Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
