he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
