what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
