Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The uberlube is also flammable
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
