forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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