You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
