evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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