my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
