Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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