i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Lo siento on account of my penis...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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