you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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