I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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