I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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