So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
