Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
